This is a joke I’m working on for my stand-up. Taking a page from the Donda playbook,  I’m sharing the joke with you still in process. 

Imagine your teacher from kindergarten became your roommate

Imagine if the person who saw you shit your pants during nap time now weighed on your outfit decisions

Imagine someone who was meant to be in your life for maybe a season was now in it forever, like your own version of Paul Rudd on Friends

This my friends, is what social media is like for my generation

Kids I had gym with in 8th grade influence me more than my parents

I might listen to my dads sound financial advice, but Matt from Biology’s anti vax rant has my full undivided attention

Some of the kids my age have said “well kevin, yeah but social media is really good for connecting with people I’ve lost touch with”

Oh yeah? 

Because Miranda from 5th grade lunch

Man her cats, let me tell ya, those rascals!

Here’s the thing, if someones not important enough to hang out with in real life, they’re not important enough

Here’s a quick story for you, growing up I had a best friend named Jack

We did everything together, nap time, lunch time, recess, we were in tight

Then one day we have a sleepover, ya know the childhood friend equivalent of a job interview

Only problem was that my older brothers baby sat us that night and content wise they’re not the biggest fans of Clifford the big red dog

But still my brothers, they really loved me, as loved to torchor me

So at 5 years old for my first ever sleepover instead of watching the lion king we watched “IT” the stephen king horror movie about the killer clown named Pennywise who eats children, ya know good ole fashion family fun 

Before the title credits could finish, I run out of the room crying and jack calls his mom to come get him

And I never saw Jack again

But time goes on and the other day my girlfriend says hey we should watch the new “IT” movie

I figure hey this might scare her off like it did Jack, so we watch it

But I take an edible before hand and now I can’t sleep in my own apartment without a light on 

I know it’s not real and Pennywise is fake but the shit in my pants from the AC kicking on is most definitely real

And the next morning i wake up, crucifix, bible, and rosary in the bed next to me

And my mom text me she says you’ll never guess who I ran into this morning at brunch, your friends Jack’s mom

I get jacks last name and start stalking on him online

Jacks doing great, he’s got a daughter the same age we were when we met, he’s a white sound cloud rapper, and he’s quite the visionary he’s saying the N word on his songs, thrilled for him really

And I reached out on facebook. 

I go hey! Long time no see man! Hope you’ve been doing well!

He goes “yeah”

I go great! Hey man do you remember that time in preschool you slept over, we watched IT, and I ran out of the room crying?

He goes “who is this?”

And i don’t respond, and I was just so bewildered by it

My whole life people ask me “who was your best friend growing up?” and I’d always say jack

Now here we are and he doesn’t even remember me, but we’re friends on facebook

But then he messages me back, he goes “oh shit dude, I just asked my mom” (still lives with his mom)

And she shows me all these pictures of us as kids, how you been dude

And I don’t respond, I don’t associate with losers

Just kidding i’m my own best friend

And here’s where I learned that facebook is the worlds most useless rolodex

If i did respond, then what? A couple more chats of pleasantries and then it’s a “hey lets meet up”

If i respond, that’s a saturday morning obligation

For what?

What do me and jack have in common at this point? 

We’re both white?

He’s got a kid, i am kid

He says the n word in his rap songs, I say it when rapping along to Drake in the car alone

At one point Jack wasn’t just my best friend, he was my only friend

You wanna know the point when he stopped being my best friend?

When I made another friend

So imagine your kindergartner teacher was your roommate, how long would you live inside that old dynamic?

It would honestly be kind cool, who couldn’t use a nap, snack and recess after a long day of work

But you’re not a kid anymore and just because you did something as a kid, doesn’t mean you gotta keep doing it as adult

I’ll end this with this, for Jacks birthday I hired a clown to dress up like Pennywise from the “IT” movie and pop out and scare the shit out of him when he was least expecting it

Be like getting in the car in the morning for work and BAM Pennywise right there and hand him a note

“Do you remember that sleep over at Kevin’s now bitch?”